How to be a Heartbreaker
by madame of music
Summary: Dave Strider was a player, no doubt about that. His motto was hit and quit it. Guy, girl, he didn't care. Nothing was unattainable to him. With a small smirk and a flick of his wrist, he could have even the straightest of guys swooning at his feet. Or so he thought. NOW HOSTED EXPLICITLY ON AO3
1. Chapter 1

It was another normal night at the club, rather boring actually. Scarlet eyes scanned the throng of people below, taking in the drunken flailings of a group of girls who looked too young to be at a night club, to a small group of men in their thirties standing by the wall, attempting to chat over a few beers and regain the youth they had lost long ago.

The DJ sighed, switching to his back up set list and jumping to the ground, walking to the bar.

"Yo." He nodded to the bartender, an old friend of his that had hooked him up with the job.

"The usual?" The bartender asked, sliding him a glass of clear liquid, as he already knew the answer.

The DJ nodded in thanks, picking up the glass and knocking it down in one go. The warm liquid slid down his throat, and he welcomed the familiar warmth that bloomed in his abdomen. He set the glass, turning back to the DJ box, tipping his head at a nearby group of tipsy college girls.  
There was no one of interest occupying the club tonight. It had been a few days since he brought someone home, and he wanted a bit of a challenge tonight.

o.0.o

He ended up going home with some hipster douchebag with a violet stripe in his hair, who had complimented him on his excellent set.  
Hey, he figured, the guy liked what he did, why not reward him. At least this one had a nice ass.

The guy ended up being more trouble than he was worth, awkward and whiny, and had called out someone else's name. Not that Dave minded, after all. It was just sex, and he wasn't in some romantic bullshit trash, where it was called "making love," and the couple got married and had 2.5 children, and a white, picket fence, with a yipping rat some people called dogs (Dave just called them annoying.) It was sex, hard, rough and fast, and Dave was gone before the sun rose, disentangling himself from the needy hipster.

He did a quick pocket check before leaving. He didn't want a repeat of what had happened the one time he left his wallet at some chicks' house, having to buy her coffee to get it back.

He ran a hand through his hair, shrugging on his leather jacket and sliding his trademark aviators onto his face, opening the door to a stunned looking girl in flourescent pink- Maybe a girlfriend?- he stepped aside, smirking and letting her stalk in, before he shut the door behind himself.  
He heard yelling before he was at the end of the driveway. Yep. Definitely a girlfriend.

o.0.o

By the time Dave had reached his small apartment across the city, it was almost time for him to go to his day job at a small coffee shop in a run down neighbourhood. Being a barista for spacey college kids wasn't the ideal idea for work, but it paid pretty well so he didn't mind too much, and it didn't leave him so exhausted he couldn't play his nightly set.

Plus, there were always several cute girls who came on a regular basis. It was always fun to write his number on a coffee cup, and hand it to them with a wink.

He shivered. Except for the one time he mixed up orders and got a call from a creepy old man by accident, but he still didn't like to talk about that.  
With a yawn, he unlocked the door to his apartment, taking off his jacket and hanging it on the coat rack.

He most definitely didn't shriek when he saw a familiar girl on the couch, sprawled out and grinning in his direction. He was too cool for that.  
"Hello Dave."

Just great. A crazy ex to start off his day. He would definitely be taking the employee discount at the coffee shop when he was done here.

* * *

A/N: Yaaaaaay story. This is a new story inspired by "How to be a Heartbreaker" by Marina and the Diamonds. Sorry the first part is so shitty, but it will get better, I promise!

I will try to update this at least twice a month, if not more, and in between updates for other stories! This will also be hosted at AO3, under the same psued.  
Marked T for now, but who knows really?


	2. Chapter 2

He sighed, dropping his bag to the floor. "Terezi, what are you doing here?" This would be the second time this month he'd have to change the locks. He had absolutely no idea how his crazy ex-girlfriend kept breaking into his apartment, but he felt it had something to do with her ex-con of a sister.  
"Hello Dave! I just came by for a chat, is all!" She cackled, tapping her fingers on the arm of the chair she was sprawled out on, grinning maniacally in his direction.  
He trudged over, and sat in the chair opposite hers. "Terezi, the is the third time that you've broken in. We're over Terezi." He sighed once more, reflecting on their past relationship for a brief moment. He had met the woman two years before, and started dating her not long after. He thought he was in love with her, until she started leaving little hints for him. A dress catalogue that lay open on the table, a wedding cake bakery's number taped to the kitchen cabinet. He had considered marriage, but the thought scared the living shit out of him.  
Soon enough, every little thing she did, even things he once loved about her, started to annoy him. Her toothy grin, her cackle at everything she found even the slightest bit amusing, even the way she slept drove him up a wall. He broke up with her, a month before their two year anniversary, claiming that they needed some space.  
But she just didn't get it. She would still show up at the club sometimes, shop at the same supermarket even though there was one much closer to her house, and break into his apartment and wait for him to get back from whatever job he was working at the time, and he was getting quite fed up with it.  
"Look coolkid, I just wanted to tell you-" She started, but he stopped her.  
"You know what Terezi? I actually don't give a flying fuck. Get out of my apartment. I have work in-" He stood, looking at his watch. "-Shit right fucking now Terezi get out of here."  
She stood as well. "But Dave-"  
He shoved her out the door, following behind her and locking it. "Don't care. Get out." He ran down the steps that led to his apartment, jumping in his car and driving away. If he didn't get his ass in gear, he'd be late again and Droog would have his head on a silver fucking platter. He'd deal with crazy when he got back, if she decided staying around was a good thing. He sure hoped not.  
o.0.o  
Terezi stood in shock for a moment, before stomping down the stairs and climbing into a cerulean VW Bug, sighing in frustration.  
"Did you tell him Terezi?" The girl in the car asked, putting the car in reverse.  
"No, Vriska, he ran off before I could." She folded her arms and slumped in her seat. "I was just trying to help, you know?"  
Vriska grinned. "Well, guess he won't have the preparation you offered him then, huh? He's going to have one hell of a time with Karkles." She said, laughing loudly, peeling out of the parking lot.  
This made Terezi grin, laughing somewhat sadistically at her ex's misfortune. "Guess so. Not my fault if Mr. Coolkid gets in fights."  
o.0.o  
Dave strode into the small cafe, arriving just in time for his shift. He donned the red apron with the Spade on it, employee uniform of the Midnight Crew Cafe.  
"Strider." He heard his name being called, and turned to find a short, angry little man in a fedora. "You're on register today." The man who spoke was Slick, one of the joint owners of the small cafe, and the man who had hired Dave.  
Dave nodded. "Cool." He said, walking to the register in the front of the room. He punched in his name, and began taking orders, effortlessly ringing up customer after customer. He was running on only a few hours sleep, and was glad Slick hadn't put him on drinks. He didn't think he could remember how to work the coffee machine, much less mix all the double-chocolate-no-whipped-cream-cherry-syrup-latte-espresso-black-macchiatos ordered every day.  
After a particular grueling 8 hour shift, and a distinct lack of cute customers, he hung up his apron and grabbed a large black coffee to go. Normally, he would have a couple hours until he had to DJ at the club, but his boss had hired some new guy and he wanted the whole staff to meet him.  
He headed over, and parked out in back, pulling the equipment from the trunk he never pulled out the night before and slinging it over his shoulder, chugging the last dregs of his lukewarm coffee and stalking into the club.  
He quietly slipped into the break room, and took a seat. His boss was talking, something about how great we've been doing and wanting to hire another waiter for the restaurant, yadda yadda, and how he'd hope everyone would get along and this club was a team effort. The usual shitty pep talk every boss gives when the mood strikes, one he had heard a thousand times.  
And then, he brought up the new guy. At first, Dave had noticed him staring at his fingernails and picking out coffee ground dust that had somehow got wedged underneath them. When he finally looked up, he couldn't look away.  
A short man stood in front of the crowd, eyebrows drawn tight as he frowned at the group in front of him. He just barely missed the name of said man. Carter? Kanker? He wasn't sure.  
A bartender who had talked to once or twice nudged him, chuckling softly. "Looks like a ball of joy."  
Dave snorted. "Yeah. Seems he'd rather have his teeth pulled then be here."  
He heard a vague "Wouldn't we all." Before he turned his attention back to the man. For some reason, he was glaring at him, teeth slightly bared in an ugly grimace, unbefitting if his face.  
Dave looked behind him, and to his left and right, wondering what could have caused such a stare. He shruged it off after a few moments, deeming it to be the ever so charming personality Mr. Congeniality already seemed to possess.  
When the boss finally dismissed the meeting, and everyone dispersed to set up their area of the club, the boss Called Dave over.  
"Mr. Strider, I would appreciate if you would show Mr. Vantas around. Show him where he'll be working, and introduce him to a few people around." He said, grinning and clearing his throat, eyes glinting with the tiniest bit of malice. "And I expect you to be personable, Mr. Strider."  
"Yeah, yeah. Will do." Dave nodded, the boss striding off as he turned to the other man. "Yo. You got a name?"  
"Vantas. Karkat Vantas." The man sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically. "Weren't you listening asshat?"  
Dave raised his hands defensively, chuckling lightly. "Hey now. No need to be rude. Name's Dave. Strider, that is."  
And he most definitely didn't expect the widened eyes and vicious growl that came with his name.

* * *

A/N: Karkat is the reluctant "Gay best friend" to Terezi, even though he "DOESN'T FIT THE PROFILE YOU GODDAMNED ASS NUGGET." He really doesn't like Dave, because Terezi told him stories when they were going out, and after they broke up, and he came to know Dave as a huge douchebag, even though Terezi never presented him like that, even after the break up.  
Also, I'm sorry this is so shitty I was just trying to get it out. I'll edit it tomorrow.  
Thanks for all your reviews, and favourites and follows! It means a lot, and definitely fueled me to get this up faster.


	3. Chapter 3

Jesus fuck was he tired. He dropped his bag to the floor, sighing in relief as he toed his red converse off his swollen feet. Showing an ungrateful prick who hated his guts (and apparently knew nothing about customer service, judging by the multiple drinks he saw dumped on the waiter by drunk women) around had made him more tired then he thought it would. Good thing he had a few hours before he had to serve lettes and espressos and other bullshit to hungover college students at the cafe, he thought, grabbing a beer from his fridge and wandering back to his living room.  
Still, there was something inherently intriguing about that little asshole waiter-in-training. Even his name rolled off the tongue. "Karkat." Dave mumbled to himself, grinning. I bet he'd be great in bed, he thought plopping onto his leather couch. I'd even call him hot, if he'd shut the fuck up for more than thirty seconds at a time.  
Dave stopped, mouth curling into a smug grin. He had it. His next challenge. He had to land the fiery asshole. And, to make it that much harder on himself, he promised no more sex until Karkat. That would make it more worth it, and fuel Dave's need to win this bet with himself.  
Not that it would be hard whatsoever. How could anyone resist a hot bod like his, and with his charming personality to boot?  
Piece of cake.

If one more person ordered whipped cream or a shot of soy, Dave would scream. There was an influx of college girls today, and they all wanted shitty drinks. Blasphemy in a cup, Dave called them. When he finally got a call for a small, black coffee, he wanted to hug whoever ordered it. Not only were the lattes and cappuccinos harder to make, but they took longer too, causing more and more back-up of drink orders.  
He made the drink quickly, and grinned at the sight of Boxcars' scrawled handwriting on the side of the cup. Oh, this was too good.  
"Karkat? Do we have a Karkat in here?" Dave called, eyes sweeping over the crowd of people cramped in the small shop. When he found said patron, he chuckled. First surprise, then indignation flickered across Karkat's face, before he finally settled on an expression of annoyance as he stomped over to collect his drink.  
He went to grab for it, and Dave pulled it out of his reach. "Ah-ah, Vantas. It's hot. Wouldn't want to burn ourselves, would we?" He chided, waggling a finger in Karkat's face.  
"Put a goddamned cardboard thing on, and let me have my drink, Strider. I don't have time for your bullshit." He growled, reaching out once more for the coffee.  
Dave held it against his chest, and tapped a finger against his chin. Perhaps he could start his bet now. "No." He said, dragging out the syllable. "I don't think I will." He pressed the drink close to his lips, blowing into it as if to cool it off, and smirking at the irate man across the counter. "If you wait fifteen minutes until I get off, I'll but you a large." Four dollars for the success of his scheme was nothing.  
Karkat's eyes narrowed, and he looked suspiciously at Dave. "Fine." He said, rolling his eyes. "But you take more than twenty, and I'm leaving." Without another word from either party, Karkat turned and stalked back to his seat, which Dave assumed was good, considering Droog was beginning to send frustrated glances his way. He really didn't want another lecture from the man about fraternising with the customers.  
For the next 15 minutes, Dave proceeded to send flirty waves and overly exaggerated air kisses to Karkat, making him go increasingly redder and redder with each action. Dave finally got off at the same time he thought science would have to come up with a new colour name for Karkat's shade of red. He hung up his apron, and grabbed two cups of coffee, sauntering over to Karkat. He slid a cup over to the man, taking the seat across from him.  
"What do you want, Strider?" He growled, gulping down the hot beverage and hissing at the temperature.  
"Careful Vantas. It's hot." Dave said, receiving a no-shit-dumbass look from Karkat as he sipped at his own coffee. It took all of his self-control not to hiss himself, because damn, it really was hot. He cleared his throat, and raised en eyebrow at Karkat. "What makes you think I want something from you anyway?" Besides you calling out my name and squirming underneath me. That was left unsaid.  
Karkat shrugged. "I highly doubt an absolute prick like you would buy me coffee if you didn't want something."  
"What if I just wanted to get to know my newest colleague? Can't a guy make some new friends?" Dave asked, feigning innocence and sounding affronted, as if he really did only want to get to know they guy. He did, of course, but not like that. The tones of voice and the planes of a body were two completely different things.  
"Shut the fuck up and get to your point. I'm already late enough as is." He said, glaring at Dave. His fingers tightened around the cardboard cup in annoyance.  
"Feisty. I like that." Dave said, smirking. "But really. I'm just curious as to why you hate me. I haven;t even done anything." Dave said, before adding as an afterthought. "Yet."  
the sharp bark of laughter that sounded from Karkat was unexpected. "Please. You dumped my best friend and left her in shambles."  
Dave's brow furrowed in confusion. "Best friend?" He asked. He couldn't be though, not her. He had to be talking about one of his one night stand's, though Karkat hardly seemed the type to be best buds with the type of girls Dave banged on a regular basis.  
"Terezi Pyrope? Remember? The one you dated for two consecutive years and then left crying in the dust?"  
Dave winced unconsciously. "Oh." He mumbled into his coffee, taking a long gulp to hide his embarrassment.  
"Yeah, oh." Karkat said, standing and shrugging into his coat. "Now I have to go meet with said best friend and you've made me late enough as is. Goodbye and I hope you have a terrible day."  
Dave nodded, still in shock. "Uh, yeah, okay. See you tonight." He called after him.  
The only indication Karkat gave that he had heard him at all was an erect middle finger as he exited the small shop. Dave went to take another drink of his coffee, but found it had gone stale, and lukewarm.  
Suddenly, his bet got a hell of a lot harder.

* * *

A/N: Wow okay I'm really extremely sorry this is out so late. Learn this lesson guys: Don't take a full load of classes and be an active participant in concert band season, and still assume you'll have a social life and free time. That's a lie.  
Also, this is on tumblr (madameofmusic), under the tag htbah! Hope you enjoyed :)


	4. Chapter 4

"Karkat!" A voice called, grabbing his attention where he was looking around the small bookstore. His mouth hardened into a grim compliance as he walked over and plopped in the chair across from Terezi.  
"Hey Tez." He said, drinking from the coffee that had turned lukewarm in the time it took to drive across town.  
"You're late Karkat. Did you find a new boyfriend or something?" She grinned, waggling her eyebrows at him.  
He flushed, and rolled his eyes. "Hardly. Your douche bag ex caught me at the coffee shop and held me up."  
Her brow furrowed in confusion. "Douche bag ex..." She muttered, puzzled by his statement.  
He sighed in exasperation. "Strider. Blonde, tall, prickish? Ring a bell?" He asked, tapping his fingers against the upholstery of the worn chair.  
Her face lit up with recognition. "Oh! Dave?" She shook her head, and smiled. "Silly Karkat. Dave is not a douche bag."  
False. "He left you, after two years, without a word for a whole month. If that isn't a douche bag move to pull, then colour me shocked Terezi. I need a good redefinition."  
She reached across the small table in between their two chairs and placed a finger over his mouth. "Shhh." She said, "I know. But that is in the past Karkat. Dave wasn't ready for more, and truthfully I wasn't either. But without him doing that, I probably wouldn't have known." She said, removing her finger after she finished speaking.  
He was taken aback. Rarely did he see the normally light hearted girl act so intelligent and serious. He grumbled. "Yeah, okay. Whatever."  
"Just give him a chance, okay? Before you judge him? He is a good guy."  
Doubt that, he thought, but nodded in agreement for her sake. "Fine."  
"You need more friends. And besides," Her soft smile turned into a predatory grin. "You two would look good together."  
His jaw dropped and he kicked at her. "The fuck Tez?" He exclaimed, receiving dirty glares from nearby patrons." That's disgusting, one, and two, don't think about trying to set me up with your ex. That violates like, every rule in the best friend handbook."  
She shrugged. "Why should I care about some made up handbook? And, Dave Strider is anything but disgusting. He's got a great body, and he's fantastic in be-"  
"Stop. Just stop there."  
Terezi's cackle sounded cheerily through the shop.

He honestly tried to like the stupid douche. He really did. But no matter how many promises he would make to Terezi, about trying to like said prick, it just couldn't be done. Couldn't do it. He was simply one hell of a douche bag.  
It had been a week since their meet up in the coffee shop. The first day, Karkat grinned and bore him, and all his stupid little pickup lines, and ridiculously flirty glances, and he almost made it all the way to the second day, before he realised he really, really, REALLY hated Dave Strider.  
There was no way to like the guy. Karkat would admit he was good looking, but his ability to flatten his hair with gel and put together a decent outfit was far overshadowed by the fact that he was a facetious little dick.

He was honestly starting to think of giving up in the challenge of his. Karkat should have been his by now. And yet, he was still resistant to every flirty move, every seductive wink. At this point, Dave even tried cranking on his southern charm all the way.  
(That only got him laughed at and a half empty glass of ice water on his head.)  
(So much for Karkat's anti-drink dumping streak.)  
(Dave counted that as an acceptable loss though.)  
Hell, even friendly gestures Karkat crushed under his Dave Strider hating boots.  
The only thing that kept him going was the fact that Striders don't back down.  
No.  
Matter.  
What.  
He wasn't a wimp, and he would win this, and get the feisty little bastard in his bed, some way. For a single, fleeting moment, he considered calling up Terezi, and asking just how to seduce Karkat Vantas. But he figured he would get some LotR-esque "One does not simply seduce Karkat Vantas" speech, and who the hell has time for that?  
Certainly not him, that's for sure.  
Plus, that would entail talking to Terezi. And that bordered on the top ten things he would rather tear out his hair before doing. Not that he didn't admire her, or would ever consider never talking to her again, but she could be a little...  
Crazy? Overbearing? Something like that.  
And besides, she'd start asking questions and she would probably tell Karkat and then his whole plan would be ruined with a capital R, and that would suck.  
"Strider! Stop dallying and start DJing! I don't pay you to stand around!" His boss called from the bar, snapping said DJ out of his thoughts. He nodded once, before hovering his hands over the set, waiting for the right time to switch tracks.  
He found it, and mixed effortlessly, returning to his thought. The club was rather empty tonight, which was part of the reason he wasn't paying as much attention as he normally would.  
He turned his gaze to the restaurant area, and watched Karkat dance around the tables, balancing a load of drinks with a grace Dave wouldn't expect of him.  
Just in the last week alone, he had dumped far fewer drinks on his customers, and had less dumped on him, Achievement unlocked.  
Dave spaced out, and didn't notice Karkat was glaring at him until he was standing in front of him, snapping his fingers.  
"Hello? Strider?" He growled, folding his arms across his chest once he got Dave's attention.  
Dave grinned in acknowledgement, trying no to let surprise show on his face. How long had he been in space land if Karkat was now in front of him without his notice?  
"Look, I know I'm hot Strider, but you have work to do, and so do I, so I would appreciate it if you stopped leering at me like the creep you are and do your goddamned job." He snapped, glaring at Dave.  
Dave nodded. "Yeah, okay whatever." He said. He found he honestly wasn't in the mood to bicker with the guy tonight.  
Karkat turned on his heel and was about to exit the booth, before Dave caught him by the elbow.  
"Hey, wait." He said, stepping in front of Karkat.  
Karkat sighed. "What do you want now? Does work mean nothing to you?"  
Dave rolled his eyes behind his dark shades. "Yeah, whatever. I just wanted to ask you something."  
Karkat raised an eyebrow. "Spit it out then."  
"Woah man, no need to get snarky. I was just wondering, you know just thinking up here in my booth, all by my lonesome-"  
"Stri. Der. You have three seconds before I leave."  
"Fine." He sighed dramatically. "Wanna get some coffee some time? Like, for real?"  
Karkat raised the other eyebrow to match. "Are you asking me out on a date?"  
Dave smirked. "Depends. Is that a yes?"  
"If it'll get you to leave me alone and let me get back to work." Karkat said, stepping past Dave and back down the steps to the floor.  
"It's a date then." Dave yelled after him, over the loud music pumping through the club.  
Karkat turned partially back around, one foot resting on the last step. "Tomorrow. Ten O'clock. Midnight Cafe." He yelled, leaving.  
One date in exchange for no more harassment tonight? Sounded like a good deal to Karkat.  
Dave grinned, and turned back to the music. The plan was coming together after all, ex's best friend or not.  
The small crowd that night got quite the set, if he would say so himself.

* * *

A/N: Wow I'm really sorry this chapter was late. It's end of Tri over here, so I've been a bit busy. But just for you guys, I'm going to give you next chapter a week early. Kind of an "I'm sorry I suck at updating on time and also happy Valentine's day" thing.

Cool. Thank you so so so much for everyone who reviewed, and favourited, and followe it's awesome! Okay see you soon :)


	5. Chapter 5

Why the fuck did you agree to this? "10:08" the clock read. If Strider's not here by 10:15, he thought. I'm leaving. He played with the rim of his cooling coffee mug as the minutes ticked by.  
Finally, at 10:13, a very red faced Dave burst into the shop, looking worse for the wear. His normally immaculate hair was unkempt and tangled, and his white polo was rumpled.  
"Sorry, " He huffed, sliding into the chair across from Karkat. "My alarm went off late." He said, taking deep breaths in between phrases.  
Karkat snorted. "Whatever Strider. Two more minutes and I was ready to leave." He noticed that Dave at least had the decency to look sheepishly guilty.  
"Sorry," He mumbled.  
"So, did you just throw on whatever was on top of your cleanish clothes pile then?" Karkat remarked, nonchalantly taking a sip of his dark brew.  
Dave scratched the back of his neck. "Uh, yeah I guess." He shrugged. "I don't usually get up this early on my days off."  
Karkat set his cup down, and looked at Dave, brown eyes somehow very icy. "Well excuuuuse me Princess." He said. He hoped that is he was rude, Dave would give up and end the date early. Highly unlikely of the stubborn ass, but a guy could hope right?  
Dave stood. "I'll be right back. I need a coffee." He stood and turned on his heel, walking over t the counter. The line was rather short for once, so it didn't take him very long at all, and soon he was back. He slid into the seat, taking his hair back into place as he sat.  
"So, Karkat." He said, taking a drink from his cup.  
"So Strider." Karkat smirked. "Why'd you bring me here? For all you know, I'm not even gay."  
Dave shrugged. "I dunno."  
Karkat leaned forward, lowering his voice until only Dave could hear his words. "So what? Wanted to make Terezi jealous or something? Take her best friend on a date to get her back?"  
Dave looked confused. He set his cup down, and leaned in as well. "This has nothing to do with Tez." He said, shaking his head.  
"Sure it doesn't. Look, I don't know what your aim is here, but it sure as hell won't work." Karkat growled out, his fingers tightening around the cardboard cup.  
Dave shook his head, chuckling under his breath. Some date this was turning out to be, he thought. "Whatever. So you're gay then?" He asked, smirking. Changing the subject was always a good idea, ad hopefully he would gain control of this little date like he should have had in the first place.  
Karkat spluttered, choking on his drink. "W-what? When did I ever say that, Strider?"  
Dave shrugged. "You didn't, not necessarily. But you didn't say ew gross when I asked you out, or insist that you weren't a homosexual. So, you're either humouring me, or I am in possession of the genitalia you like." He lowered his voice, smirk turning into a smug grin. "And no offence, but you don't seem like the humouring type, Kitkat."  
Karkat grew red as Dave spoke, and his scowl deepened. "Whatever. So I'm gay. But so are you then. That why you break up with Terezi? Too far in the closet to come out and play?"  
Dave raised an eyebrow. "One, let's just stop talking about Terezi. We broke up a long time ago. And two," He leaned back in his chair, and grinned once more. "Let's say that I wouldn't be one to object to a little, how do you say, ménage a trois?"  
Karkat groaned. "Pervert."  
"Only if that's what you're into Karkles." He winked over the top of his shades, taking an easy sip from his own cup.  
Karkat stood. "Stop it. Stop it with the nicknames, Strider. I'm done." He gestured in between the two of them. "We're done here." He turned and began walking towards the door.  
"Oi! Wait up!" Dave said, picking up his coat and following. The bell over the door rung harshly against the late morning air as he pushed past it.  
Karkat was a few paces ahead of him, stalking down the street. "Leave me alone Strider. You annoy me."  
"Aw, come on babe, where you going?" He walked faster, trying to catch up with the irate Karkat.  
"Home, Strider. I'm going home." He said, back still turned to Dave and hands still clenched at his sides.  
"You're gonna walk?" Dave inquired.  
Karkat stopped, and flipped around, causing Dave to bump into him. With a yelp, he fell backwards and almost hit the cold concrete, before Dave caught him. He pushed at his chest, squirming. "Let me go!"  
Dave rolled his eyes, but set him on his feet. "Some thanks I get for saving the fair maiden." He mumbled, smirking.  
Karkat poked his chest. "I am not a fair maiden, one." He dusted himself off, as if Dave had been covered in some invisible dirt that he got on himself. "And two, yes, I do plan to walk home."  
Dave sighed. "Why? Let me drive you." He said, gesturing to the car a few blocks down.  
Karkat's eyes narrowed. "Fine. But only because it's cold and I'm lazy."  
Dave laughed. "Alright. Sounds good."

The ride to Karkat's house was awkward at best. Dave tried to start up conversation several times, but the only actual words exchanged between then were when he asked Karkat for his street address. It was given to him in a grunt, as the other had decided to fold his arms and focus outside, as if the brown and grey cityscape was the most interesting thing he had ever seen.  
The address brought him to a small house, in the worst part of the city. The white paint was fading, and quite a few houses had been boarded up windows. He shuddered at the thought of living somewhere like this, and thanked the heavens that his job paid fairly well, allowing him to live in a decent part of the city.  
He pulled up, and parked in front of the house. It looked much the same as all the others, except there were no boarded windows, and the door was a bright, garish purple. "Nice door." He commented, getting out of his car and following Karkat to his porch.  
"Shut the fuck up. The old tenant painted it. And why the fuck are you following me?"  
"Gentlemen walk the lady to their door." He said, coming up behind Karkat.  
Karkat groaned, and turned around, arms folded across his chest once more. "Gentleman my ass. Firstly," He said, ticking off a finger on his hand. "I'm not a lady, and secondly, leave now. I've had just about enough of you for one day."  
He went to turn back to his door, half pulling his keys out of his pocket, before Dave caught him by the elbow. "Wait."  
"Wha-" He felt another pair of lips press against his own, before pulling away. "See you tomorrow Kitkat."  
Karkat growled. "The fuck Strider!" He called after Dave, who was already halfway down the sidewalk, hands in his pockets as he whistled a happy tune. All he received in response was a wave as Dave climbed back into his car, and drove off.

* * *

A/N: This story is turning into a game of spot the pop culture references.

If you get any of them you are automatically awesome. If you get the really old ones, that makes you more awesome. (Like somewhere in this chapter here is a reference to the old LoZ cartoon. You get that and you will be my favourite ever)

And, as always, my tumblr is madameofmusic if you have any questions.


	6. Chapter 6

"He kissed me."

"What? Karkat?"

"He kissed me Terezi." Karkat's voice crackled through the line. She groaned, and sat up.

"Karkat, do you know what time it is?" She asked, rubbing at her forehead and stretching.

"I dunno. Early. Haven't slept. Terezi, _he kissed me._" Karkat sounded frustrated, and perhaps a bit frantic.

So completely normal, really.

"Karkat, calm down. Who kissed you?" She asked, standing from bed. Normally she wouldn't be up for at least another hour, but what kind of person didn't wake up when their best friend was having a crisis?

A sane one, she thought as she heard Karkat begin to ramble about coffee and being late. Speaking of coffee...

She was halfway into making a nice, hot cup of the stuff when something he was saying caught her attention. "Wait, Karkat, hang on. Repeat that last line."

"Terezi, pay attention dammit! I said, so then Dave bent down and kissed me, and swaggered off like the assh-"

"Dave Strider?" She asked, discarding the coffee momentarily and leaning against her kitchen counter.

"No. Dave Chappelle. Who the fuck do you think Terezi? What other assholes named Dave do we know?"

She rolled her eyes. "Caustic much Karkat?" She said, tucking the phone back on her shoulder and finishing her cup of coffee. She was gonna need it. "Give me a few minutes."

Once her cup was finished, she sat down, and sighed, taking a few deep gulps before speaking. "Okay, Karkat. Start from the beginning."

Being sick sucked, a lot. He sniffed, and shuffled to the kitchen, pouring himself another cup of tea. Dave had called in sick a few days ago, figuring it was only a 24 hour thing.

It had been three days.

His whole body ached, and he was almost definitely sure he had the flu. Or he was dying. Or both.

But hey, at least he could get up and move for a few minutes without the room playing tilt-a-whirl extreme with him.

He was halfway into downing a cup of the nasty herbal shit Rose had dropped off a few hours before ("It's good for you Dave!"), when he heard a knock at the door. Aw fuck. If it Rose coming by again to see how he was doing, he was going to scream. If he had to eat ONE MORE bowl of chicken noodle soup, he was almost positive he would go to the nearest chicken farm and liberate every single chicken in there.

When he opened the door, there was no tall blonde woman behind it. Instead, there was a short and quite irritated looking Karkat. Oh great, he thought, narrowing his unshaded eyes and shifting the blanket around his shoulders. "What."

"Look, Strider, you haven't been into work in three days, and I'm here to- Hey are you okay?" The others, eyes widened as he took in Dave's disheveled appearance.

"No. Go away." He said, beginning to shut the door, before Karkat caught it with his hand and glared.

"No way Strider. We gotta have some words first." He shoved open the door and stepped around Dave into his house, folding his arms across his chest.

"Look, Vantas, I'm pretty sick. Can we talk later? Like tomorrow or something?" He said, walking back into his kitchen to drink the rest of his tea so he could go back to bed, hoping Karkat would pick up the hint and leave.

He didn't, and followed Dave. "No. You kissed me the other day. Why?" He asked, continuing to glare at Dave's hunched shoulders as he walked.

Dave rolled his eyes. "Really? That's what you've come to bother me about?" He asked, sipping from his mug.

"Shut up Strider! Why did you kiss me?" He asked. "I was under the full impression we hated one another."

Dave snorted. "You hate me Vantas. I don't hate you." He said, coughing weakly and setting his mug down. "Maybe I think you're cute." He said, leaning against the counter and tucking his chin close to his chest, tightening the blanket around himself. Was the room getting dimmer? He really had to change those light bulbs.

Karkat's next words sounded farther away, like he was walking towards the door. Good. Maybe now he could get some sleep.

"Bullshit. You're just playing head games with me or something-"

What the fuck is a bread dame, and why would he play with one? He thought, shaking his head and chuckling. Stupid Karkat.

"Hey. Strider. Fucking respond."

No, he didn't think he would. He collapsed, and curled up, shutting his eyes. It was much nicer on the floor anyway.

The last thing he heard before blacking out completely was a shriek from Karkat.

* * *

A/N: Heidely-ho readerinos. I've got good news and bad news.

Good news is this fic isn't dead! I'm just terrible at updates whoops. Between the end of school and a terrible case of writer's block (I re-wrote this chapter three times and I'm still not really satisfied), I did not update. But I will continue!

Bad news? I'm not continuing on this site. Only on AO3. Due to some unfortunate circumstances which you're free to inquire about at my tumblr, I won't be posting anything on this site again. But, I am still going strong over at AO3. I'm dearly sorry to anyone who won't be able to read it anymore. Perhaps we can work something out.

If you read it over there, another chapter should be out within the week!

Thanks for all the support for this story, and I love you all. I can't believe how much attention this has gained wowie. Thank you, and have a good week lovelies c:


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